Friday, October 30

Murphy wallows in her own uselessness

Internet, aren't these the prettiest eyes ever?

Maybe not ever but I spent most of my childhood thinking they were. But then I also thought 'no more I love yous' on the album sounded like madness so what did I know? And this album has don't let it bring you down on it as well, which is another one of my childhood favourites. I really didn't intend to keep talking about Annie Lennox or this album. But why not? She's awesome and super hot. But no, I had a point and it wasn't Annie Lennox. I am being a completely shameless bum nowadays, and I'm not saying that in the gleeful way most people do when they admit to being shameless. This is the ashamed strain of shameless. I'm not studying, I'm not doing anything. I was invited to a halloween costume party and I considered going as a communist because my hair looks like it could belong to one! I'm super easily distracted, my mind is all over the place, I'm so unfuckingbelievingly whiny that I swear to god one of these days I'm going to whack me right in the face. And I've forgotten what I wanted to say also :(
Yes. I think my point was, that I have come to the conclusion that I am the world's worst bumming-around-er. No one in the world can possibly have lesser fun than I do while slacking. Which means I need to go give this being relevant thing another shot.
Later internet.

Thursday, October 29

Murphy is of the broken-hearted, will grow back like a starfish etc.

I despair.
At 4:30 this morning there is an abyss in me. I am delicately set nerves and useless flesh and sadness, all being held together by the gravitational pull of the gaping pit where the bottom of my stomach used to be.
I figured I might as well let my ipod charge while I wait for this hollowness in my gut to go away. So I can get back to bed and continue listening to father figure. I have 'less than 10% battery remaining.' There's a kitten on my bed trying to chew through the wooden leg of my laptop table. Working away sincerely at trying to make a dent with his brand new little person teeth on this block of wood. And I feel clinically detached. I don't want to be there, I'm going to try and work on being here.

Thursday, October 22

Tuesday, October 20

Neti neti

Love is that to me you're the knife I turn inside myself. Neti neti.

Anais Nin on what it is to be a woman - "I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

There's so much to be done, internet. So much to be done.

Monday, October 19


Internet I have two kittens sleeping in my room. When faced with a massive amount of cuteness, it sort of loses meaning. There's only so much of pink noses and pink paw-pads and chewing on one's paws and falling over the brain can process and still keep going awwww over. So yeah, done. No more.

Today was the day of good intentions that came to nothing. I've sort of got in this rut where I spend my nights completely caught up in feeling dissatisfied, poring over really ugly aspects of an associated past, being bored, being irritated, and feeling cowardly for not saying anything about things I don't like and feeling inept. I am one of those women now, the kinds who sit around waiting for things to happen. Hurray. Is this part of what I wanted, when I kept whining about wanting to be like the younger me, more open to letting things affect me? Dudes, how much do I whine? It's only to you, or so I fervently hope. Worse, I don't know how to shut it off and be productive. Tomorrow is the day of even better intentions! Maybe I'll finally quit this bitch and imma kick yo ass.

It's like waiting for your eyes to adjust to the dark. Waiting to find out if I'm going to have the courage to know what I need to do. Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one's courage. At some point you will be able to see and you will have no choice but to realise whether or not anyone is listening to you.

'Human beings can reach such desperate solitude that they may cross a boundary beyond which words cannot serve, and at such moments there is nothing left for them but to bark'

Tuesday, October 13

Crumbling is not an instant's Act
A fundamental pause
Dilapidation's processes
Are organized Decays.

'Tis first a Cobweb on the Soul
A Cuticle of Dust
A Borer in the Axis
An Elemental Rust --

Ruin is formal -- Devil's work
Consecutive and slow --
Fail in an instant, no man did
Slipping -- is Crash's law.

Monday, October 12

Where Murphy is lonely and in awe at the zen of the internet

So today I read online 'There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.'


Sunday, October 11

Bright green murphy II

BGM also is:
Badhi gharelu murphy
Benign goat murphy
Behan ki gaand murphy
Bones & gristle murphy
Beaming grandmother murphy
Borderline grouch murphy
Bored & glutted murphy
Broken & grounded murphy

Give in to me

An absurd thought that somehow sneaks in, light as a feather in my hands, masquerading as an innocuous & plausible notion.
A stranger to be held at an arm's length and our special brand of awkward familiarity, consumes me all day and night.
Along with my current illness that confuses my mind and hinders clear thinking, my body's energy is expended continually warding off this deluge that my rules and reason can't.
I constantly find myself repeating five words over and over to myself - I do not want this. I'm afraid my arguments and tedious exhortation are beginning to bore me.

Saturday, October 10

Be the death of me.

Friday, October 9

Reeling from impact

Nostalgia is something I can't afford. There are too many of you, all ghosts, with plenty more unfortunately heading your way. The ones with no balls, the ones with no direction, the ones who just let go. I am not nostalgic about any of you. I keep your secrets out of some form of misplaced combination of compassion, pity and love. I don't feel you between my legs anymore.

Wednesday, October 7

In the words of my good friend Cactus Jack, I think I'm back to being strong happy. Last night's dreams made me cry and wake up with an anxious, wretched feeling lodged somewhere under a rib. Now I have the love of my life (see below) sitting at my feet, I can see Scuttle sitting outside, on the ledge of my window and I have my usual confusion somewhere in the back of my head, that keeps becoming more peaceful and gentle with time. Internet, this is one of those times when one has nothing to say. This is one of those afternoons where everything everywhere is in a comfortable state of peace and love.

Definitive love of my young life

Scuttle the smug bug

Name: Scuttle, Bootles, Scootle
Likes: Not growing, remaining fat & cute, incessant purring for no apparent reason, quacking like a duck, being vicious, licking things, biting, cheese, running & being swift
Dislikes: sleeping alone, not being allowed to lick things, dogs, not being the sole focus of everyone's attention, being chased, cats who don't want to play all the freaking time, sissies
Distinctive features: Tiny ginger hitler mustache, constant excessive use of claws to hold things down for licking (as seen in photo above), incessant quacking
Favourite pastimes: Chilling, living in the 'moment' & being mean to Deva

Sunday, October 4

Dudes. I'm the seagull with the pirate's hat and the twistyends mustache.

Friday, October 2

You go your way, I'll go your way too

My page was too white
My ink was too thin
The day wouldn't write
What the night pencilled in
My animal howls
My angel's upset
But I'm not allowed
A trace of regret

Beloved, I'm yours
As I've always been
From marrow to pore
From longing to skin