Sunday, April 24

I live here now. I have a house, with curtains and plates and food and a lot of plans. My father flew over to help me move and to help me do the millions of things you need to do to be able to say you live somewhere. All I had to do was pick what colour, what type, fuss about how tired I am and demand we take breaks and pay. I’ve realized how addictive living alone is, how just the presence of another person completely throws me off and makes me a little sullen. I’m hoping that’s not going to be the case for life, but I’m wondering if it would be a bad thing.
I wish I could convert the good intentions of my mornings into reality. I’ve watched so much TV since I got here. I’ve become addicted to nicotine. I haven’t felt fickle in a while. Reckless and irresponsible, yes, fickle, no. I’m turning 25, after which nothing will seem fresh or new. I should really stop doing this, all my previous posts here saying ‘I’m turning 21 / 22 / 23/ 24. Oh no!’ seem so stupid. I have no routine so far but I feel a little stagnant. I haven’t felt a great passion in a while, it seems like a lot of effort. The closest I came was all 5 seasons of Dexter, oh god, what is happening to me?

Wednesday, April 20

It feels like I've forgotten how to write complete sentences, that actually say things. Living in a tacky, abortive city seems to make every thought other than basic operation seem strange and out of place. I'm struggling here.

Writers + cats

Everyone. Stop what you're doing, get some coffee and go through

Sunday, April 17

la la la la la la la la la : D

Thursday, April 14

I feel completely lousy. I haven’t felt like a bad person in a while. Since I moved here I’ve been existing in some sort of frivolous bubble, where the decisions I make, the money I spend, the way I choose to conduct myself don’t really matter because it’s just me here, I live by myself, I spend my money on only myself, I’m responsible to no one. Today I pulled a complete dick move which has made life significantly harder for some people. I was set to make a fairly important decision involving a fairly large amount of money, without giving it adequate thought or doing my basic due diligence. I made foolish commitments which I should really not have done. I should have stopped and thought about it a little longer. I didn’t realize anything was wrong till said people tried to shortchange me a little and I called off the whole thing. I was incredibly lucky to have a standby (my first option, the first one I fell in love with) which was still available to me. But my calling off the whole thing was incredibly uncool, because my reasons for it were mostly my sudden realization of what I was getting into and not the attempted fuckery, which I could have handled.

Even though I don’t want to, and very often actively try not to, believe in karma I’m sure my comeuppance is around the corner. I feel like a complete asshole and think it’s so unfair that I get to walk away, unaffected, towards a completely awesome option and fuck these people over in the process. If someone did this sort of thing to me I’d be completely pissed and start questioning whether there’s any honour left in the world, when it seems that the paucity’s a little closer to home.

Universe, don’t fuck with the people that matter to me as part of your retribution okay? Please direct all smiting towards me.

Saturday, April 9

Where every fucking sentence starts with I or my. Geez.

I stop following the news and all sorts of disturbing shit starts happening. Portugal? Another level of unaccountable government in India getting support from douches like Farah Khan and Vishal Dadlani? I hate finding out about things after they've happened, makes me feel like I dropped the ball and *let* it happen.

So I'm slacking off on my holding the world up with my bare hands duties because I'm too busy being lulled into the most relaxing coma by the sounds of my washing machine. If I were a therapist this is what I'd want playing in the background while my patients prattle on about soliciting prostitutes and secretly cutting locks of women's hair. (I almost wrote storing women in tanks of formaldehyde, clearly I need to cut back on Dexter). I'm slowly getting the hang of this living by yourself and not feeding yourself chinese food all the time and not having to go get groceries every single day thing. I'm most pleased to announce that i have an apartment! Which is way out of my budget but I got sick of wondering what's right for me and what are things I don't want to compromise on. Because, dudes, I have no idea what's right for me, I just got here! So I'm going with what I want, and apparently what I want is a beautiful apartment which has a ton of light, the most insane view of the city (from the 18th floor), really nice vibes, an incredibly well equipped gym, a beautiful pool, a supermarket and coffee shop right downstairs in the same building, a bank and a subway outlet in the next building and the dubai mall down the road. I will need to get a car eventually, but I'm not going to start thinking about that right now.

Something that led to this decision is my complete suckitude at dealing with brokers. I couldn't do the whole 'call and be vague and casual' and 'don't call till he calls, you'll seem desperate' thing. It just made me very nervous and I kept thinking 'noooo but what if he passes on me and gives it to someone else! then all will be lost!' It never occurred to me to play these casual calling and not calling first because it means admitting defeat thing with guys and I did fairly okay with the gentlemens. (hi gentlemens!) It was a huge relief to say 'fuck you brokerman' and deal directly with the nicest franco - egyptian couple.

I don't know, maybe it would have gone very differently if I had my sister or dad or listo with me. Anyone who could have bargained on my behalf and talked me into making a sensible deal. Serve you all right, for letting me loose on the city alone. Hah.

In other news, I'm really enjoying work. The concept of actual work life balance is fantastic, my efficiency is better, which makes me very happy. I miss my cats and keep having crazy dreams and seem to have completely lost the ability to sleep in. My brain keeps torturing me with constant thoughts of things I need to get done and just won't let me sleep. Goes to show that all women are deranged harpies who can at best only play vaguely at sanity or reason.