Monday, June 28

Impotence impotence impotence impotence impotence impotence impotence impotence impotence.

Wednesday, June 23

Vote for Kumari Murphy

Yaar. I had no intention of updating, because I wasn't really feeling it, but I've also been annoyed about how no one one my blog-roll has updated in a while and I have nothing new to read. So can't really whine without updating myself I guess?
The motherfather heat! The monsoons apparently are supposed to start on the 29th and will be late by three days and will therefore start on the 2nd. I have no idea how the met department calculated this super precise figure, but my grandma also seems to be in the know because she also told me with complete confidence that we can expect rain around the 28th. Am I meteorologically challenged?
Will somebody please take pity on me and find my cat? And figure out my motherfather future and get me a post graduate degree and finish my management accounting exams for me? And bring my stupid manfriend to a hill station near me? Where I can personally supervise the tattooing of my name on his forehead?
Today I met a dude who told me with a very fervent look in his eyes 'I always knew I was meant for direct tax*. I can't be anybody else.' And then he told me that the 3 idiots' concept of everyone always knowing what they want to do with their entire bloody life is spot on and it's only a question of self awareness and being true to yourself. Faaack. If a really annoying bollywood movie has passed on critically important wisdom to me and I've missed it, I'll be pissed. Because internet, the only thing I come up with when I 'look inside my heart' is that I want to be prime minister :( Should I also be distributing raincoats to farmers and putting up posters with a shot of me giving a thumbs up under a photo of Rahul Gandhi and a caption saying 'desh ke ek laute bete ko happy birthday?'
So much to do internet. We've reached a state of critical mass where everything is just plans and propositions and we can plan no more. Why the fuck won't it just rain!

*Direct tax is a team, part of the Global Taxation Advisory Services service line, one of our five spiffy service lines

Tuesday, June 15

Credible witness

So somebody asked me how exactly is it that I want to be seen by others. Thank you kind sir, for that very pertinent and interesting question. To give you a more honest and elaborate answer than the part yuppie part zen part incomprehensible bullshit I gave you, I've always wanted to be seen as a credible witness. The kind who you can call to testify on your behalf in a civil trial or a not too scandalous criminal trial. Where an entire life of sensibility and good academic records and community service will stand me in good stead. Where my wasting my youth by not doing belly shots off nubile young things and in stead being known at work for good client relations, stellar presentation skills and beautiful filing will come in handy. (All this necessitates that the jurists are not my parents, who know the truth about my sensibility and my kaale kartoots; my college professors, who will somehow bring up the zero in attendance in first year and the countless tutorials and tests I failed to turn up for; or my brother, whose name for me is an acronym starting with 'fraud'; or my dodgy bombay bff, who really knows my kaale kartoots.)
I wish to be the type of witness who turns up in a white kurta with tired but kind eyes and immediately makes the side I'm on feel better and the other side mentally go 'oh shits.' Considering the company I keep these days (you know who you are) I think it's a vital lifeskill. To be able to turn up and look sincere, a little weary at being made to go through all these tareekh pe tareekh proceedings, and look as if despite my impatience with the whole drama in the first place I will gladly devote my time to ensure that justice is served.
'Nahi m'lord. Muzrim 24th ki raat ko mere saath dinner kar raha thha. I'm not denying that he has many failings as a human being, par woh khooni nahi hai.'

Monday, June 14

Baby's a little sad, a little hard to please

It's been a while since I've been able to feel loose in my skin. It's a little like I can't look at the world with a perspective that isn't directly related to my life and me and everything that comes to that. It's like being trapped in your life and not being able to see the world for what it is and it's been a while since this happened to me.
Somewhere in my mind I think I'm associating waiting for the rains with waiting for being me again, and not this person completely tied down with circumstances and the people in her life, who's unable to think of anything except the things happening around her / to her.
I typed that in a rush to quickly get it out so I can talk of other more pleasant things.
Damn. Except I can't think of more pleasant things. Can you guys tell the difference between these, these, these, these and these? Because it has been brought to my attention that I have inadvertently bought them all. I don't know whether to be distraught or a little smug.
I miss college you guys. Whenever I meet women from LSR or find out that so-and-so's from LSR I feel this rush of pride and inexplicable happiness. The same thing used to apply to my school too but it's a lot more intense for college. One such person, who went to both my school and my college, who I am NOT at ALL happy with is my stupid best friend. I'm so mad and bewildered that the whole thing just stresses me out. It makes me wonder if women are fucking morons who're actually handicapped by their useless hormones and girly bits that seem to impede clear thinking. Maybe we just like being pathetic and sitting around and waiting for assholes.
In other random news, since this post is obviously some sort of hot mess, my friend Swaamers is biking from Mumbai to Leh (you can follow his journey on Twitter if you're really bored) and the whole thing is making me ache with jealousy. Not that I'd ever get on a bike, I hate the death traps. It's just the fact that he's literally seeing the entire country and being by himself (except that he's with someone called Charsi, who obviously doesn't count) and making impromptu plans to go to Bhutan. Ugh. My jealousy is at an all time high.
Also I found out today that urinals don't have flushes?!?!! Or the ones that do are being replaced with some sort of water saving cake thingy that sort of lays there and absorbs all the nastiness?!?! I'm not sure why I'm sharing this news with you but what the FUCK dudes?
And in more random news, my asshole boss has resigned and is off to be a partner at KPMG. KPMG, if I were you I'd hide all the employees with delicate sensibilities and real personalities and thin skin. And the women who drink or smoke. And people who value having lives and seeing their families. Ahahahaha KPMG, I wish you well.

Tuesday, June 8

Internet, baby. Are you mad at me for being so useless at updating you? Don't be. Some days internet we're all like the girl in the yellow.