Credible witness

So somebody asked me how exactly is it that I want to be seen by others. Thank you kind sir, for that very pertinent and interesting question. To give you a more honest and elaborate answer than the part yuppie part zen part incomprehensible bullshit I gave you, I've always wanted to be seen as a credible witness. The kind who you can call to testify on your behalf in a civil trial or a not too scandalous criminal trial. Where an entire life of sensibility and good academic records and community service will stand me in good stead. Where my wasting my youth by not doing belly shots off nubile young things and in stead being known at work for good client relations, stellar presentation skills and beautiful filing will come in handy. (All this necessitates that the jurists are not my parents, who know the truth about my sensibility and my kaale kartoots; my college professors, who will somehow bring up the zero in attendance in first year and the countless tutorials and tests I failed to turn up for; or my brother, whose name for me is an acronym starting with 'fraud'; or my dodgy bombay bff, who really knows my kaale kartoots.)
I wish to be the type of witness who turns up in a white kurta with tired but kind eyes and immediately makes the side I'm on feel better and the other side mentally go 'oh shits.' Considering the company I keep these days (you know who you are) I think it's a vital lifeskill. To be able to turn up and look sincere, a little weary at being made to go through all these tareekh pe tareekh proceedings, and look as if despite my impatience with the whole drama in the first place I will gladly devote my time to ensure that justice is served.
'Nahi m'lord. Muzrim 24th ki raat ko mere saath dinner kar raha thha. I'm not denying that he has many failings as a human being, par woh khooni nahi hai.'