Monday, February 28


I could spend forever doing nothing. Right now my sense of significance is high, so I won’t say anything about that. This is a version of my bulletproof. I’m ill so I sleep a lot. My medication makes me do so. These semi-drugged, sleep clogged days are a very different kind of respite. While I’m awake I’m not obliged to do anything. My studies are suffering tremendously but my pattern of studying is such that unless I want to study, I simply won’t. While I’m awake I can *listen* to music, which I haven’t been doing for a while, music had been background noise. I’m reading a paragraph or so every three hours, sleeping in the middle or just playing with M where my mind just zones out. I’m very conscious of my body, which at the moment feels abused, tired and dirty; quite literally worn out. I’m sleeping so much because it feels like my body actually needs to sleep. Every time I wake up after a three hour nap I don’t feel refreshed, I feel a little better, a little more real and the need for more after a while. I feel like smoking. While I’m asleep my mind is over stimulated for whatever reason and my sleep is fitful but deep. There are too many images there, random plots which make little sense but involve frenzied activity. And when I wake up my skin feels cool invariably (I sleep in my sweatshirt under my quilt with fever). Now if I only had that fever pome Rohit wrote on the spot.

There is no God.

The lot of you still writing to me on Yahoo, please stop it. I have 6 messages there I won't be able to get at till my new computer gets here. And then my Ipod shall be functional. YAY !!
But on a slightly different, makes the bile reach the tip of my tongue note they gave Jamie Foxx the Oscar. There is no God. I have nothing to say on this issue.
Good night and may you all burn in a sick, pink plasticky hell.

Selfish September

Selfish September by P-Man

spit on me
bite me
slap me
spank me and call me ur whore
you are my big momma
i'll bend over to please u
lick u everywhere
leave behind ur teethings
tie me
whip me
but i will not share my ice cream with you.

Thursday, February 24


Nothing absorbs a human being more completely than jealousy. When K lost her mother a year earlier, it was certainly an event more tragic than one of R’s escapades. And yet the death of her mother, whom she loved immensely, caused her less pain. The pain of her grief was benignly multicoloured: there was sadness in it, and longing, emotion, regret (had K taken sufficient care of her? Had she neglected her?), even a serene smile. The pain was benignly dispersed in all directions: K’s thoughts rebounded from her mother’s coffin and flew of toward memories, toward her own childhood and still further, toward her mother’s childhood, they flew off towards dozens of practical concerns, they flew off toward the future, which was wide open and where as consolation (yes, in those exceptional days her husband was her consolation), R’s figure stood outlined..
The pain of jealousy, on the contrary, did not move about in space, it turned like a drill on a single point. There was no dispersal. If her mother’s death had opened the door to a future (different, more lonely and also more adult), the suffering caused by her husband’s infidelity opened no future at all. Everything was concentrated on a single (and perpetually present) image of an unfaithful body, on a single (and perpetually present) reproach. When she lost her mother K could listen to music, she could even read; when she was jealous she could do nothing at all.

Monday, February 21

Recently when I left with M. If I need to get away permanently, I won't have anyone I'll feel bad about leaving behind (needless to say M comes with me). I was sitting on the ground outside and there wasn't a soul around. You can tell when summer's about to come by the colour the night sky takes. It was that very blue and I resented the fact that I was expected back.

Saturday, February 19

I've spent the day in my fire engine red pyjamas. Now I'm aiming for the whole weekend.
The TFA show must be happening right now.
Hope all goes well.

Friday, February 18

Dear God

Dear God,
Today I went and saw Finding Neverland. It was beautiful. You have to make him win the Oscar this time (Sean Penn, what were you thinking?) or I'm switching sides.

More random lines that I like :
Where am I living life? Life is living me.
When I met you baby, you had no visible scars.

M was in a weird mood today. I think she's the only person who is comfortable, truly comfortable, around me even when I'm silent and murderous. I love my little evil quadraped. She hates being called that. Think I was a little murderous today.
I'm enjoying being calm. Though I'm getting tired of people lacking gumption. Just fucking say it. It's not like I don't effing already know. I like waking up tired. Particularly stretching, adjusting quilt, thinking my first thought and immediately feeling amused disbelief at my first thought (You can not know my invariable first thought), contemplating sleeping again, feeling bad for insomniacs, feeling warm and loving the way my skin feels at that time. After spending my token two nanoseconds like that I go back to sleep.
I feel stronger and more alone.
I don't know if that's better but it certainly is alot more dignified.
Johnny Depp must win.
He is all that is good and pure and fucking awesome.

Tuesday, February 15

If you would and you could. Fuck, I miss you.
I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky
In argument similies are like songs in love; they describe much, but prove nothing - Franz Kafka
... they do not know that they seek only the chase and not the quarry - Blaise Pascal

I'm rereading two old favourites, Laughable Loves and The Farewell Waltz both by Kundera. Some books that though not by authors who I consistently like but like a lot nonetheless are :
A Sport of Nature- Nadine Gordimer
The Counterlife - Philip Roth
The Monkey's Wrench - Primo Levi
Ironweed - William Kennedy
The Comedians - Graham Greene
The Book and the Brotherhood - Iris Murdoch
Gravity's Rainbow - Thomas Pynchon
Fifth Business - Robertson Davies
White Noise - Don DeLillo

Monday, February 14

Today I got individually kissed by 12 4 year olds.
That's my valley day gift from my class.
I feel loved and warm and fuzzy.
In your stupid face stupid world.
I have my doubts.
This mess we're in.

Thursday, February 10

The Queen of Swords
The Queen of the Thrones of Air

Numerical Value: 4
Elemental Name: Water of Air

Divinatory meaning
Upright - A complex, courageous, intelligent woman, who may well have suffered some deep sorrow or loss. She is concerned with attention to accuracy and detail and can skillfully balance opposing factions to meet her own needs. She has attained inner wisdom and a sense of truth. The cards is one for women who have overcome adversity especially at the hands of men, to obtain a state of grace. The ability of women.

Ill Dignified or Reversed - Sorrow for the sake of sorrow. A card of wrongdoing as a reply to adverse circumstances. A deceitful, sly, intolerant and narrow minded woman, expert in the use of half truths and quiet slander. A formidable enemy due to her subtlety and sharp intellect.

There you go Louse.
I'm putting this up her cause them are cool descriptions.

Tuesday, February 8

I can't stop laughing at She Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd.
I swear it's been 3 hours since I've been listening and laughing.

Monday, February 7

The Queen of Sheba

The little monster is becoming disturbingly like me. She bit me today. I was so shocked I instantly whacked her. But then later I realised my arm was coming at her in a way that may have seemed threatening. Maybe she just wanted to nip me just for the act. I don’t know but I was extremely mad then. Now she’s again sleeping in my lap, stretching like the Queen of Sheba. She has her pet trained well.
I’ve also been informed by a number of people that her father who’s the only cat who doesn’t attack her is not doing so because of any paternal feelings. To him she is an available albeit young female. No fucking way am I going to let that happen. She can fuck around all she wants (yes Listo I have made my peace with that) but no fucking way is incest happening. I don’t want retarded weak inbred kittens. Ugh. I’ll fucking buy a male cat if I have to. Ugh. There’s probably nothing that I can do. Ugh.