Friday, May 21


I don't get it. How am I suddenly today not able to relate to what's been making me so happy?

I need to sleep.

(sloppy seconds / half-hearted edition)

Sunday, May 16

10 days

Hard times have fallen upon us, internet. However, luckily, the Murph's mental state is currently something like this:

Exams in 10 days, padhai's going fine, usual last week stress / happiness has descended upon me. This is the only time I can study like I used to and I enjoy it. The preceding weeks are of course all terrible, with shameless chilling out and niggling guilt at the back of my mind. Now I'm in the home stretch, where I can study because I'm kind of panicking and because it's fun and I've missed it and I'll be back at work soon. If only I could stop sleeping 9 hours daily I'd really be sorted.
I'm not even supposed to be blogging, this post is an excuse for a break. Half constructed sentences etc. Okay, back to joint ventures and associates.


Sunday, May 9

Today's sucked. My study schedule for today wasn't a lot and it's a whole lot easier than what I have to do over the next two days. Instead of complying with my simple expectations for the day today's dragged on its feet and been annoying in so many ways. Am I too old to blame an unproductive day on a lousy mood? Can we allow this please for at least a couple more years? Am I also too old to settle for the simple pleasures of escaping Suckfest May '10 through old Gossip Girl episodes and two packs of Sour Punk? I think my teeth hurt now. What I really need is to find a saintly benefactor with a decent internet connection who's willing to download entire seasons of all the incredibly inane TV shows that I watch and bequeath them to me, since I'm too chicken to let my brother know that's what's consuming our bandwidth. So that I don't have to waste another minute of my very precious life on waiting for buffering.

It's 4 AM, internet, and I have to be up earlyish. I have so much to think about that I don't know where to start. My original plan of not thinking about any of it till my exams finish was a good plan. Fuck, it was a great plan! I was giving myself the option of chilling out and living a simple life for a bit longer. I don't seem to do simple very well, internet. And I don't think I've had to make a decision of this magnitude since the time I chose studying Economics over English. Which, by the way, was a very sound decision. Now I'm dealing with something that I thought I had already made up my mind on, but everyday I seem to find further reasons not to make this move. Which makes me sad because I thought I was braver and more open than this.

Tchah. All I wanted to do today was get my stupid chapter on 'Dealing with risk and uncertainty' done. Kaha se kaha aa gaye internet?

From The Chai Years on my blog roll:

"Man am I going to hell.

Also, online he was, twice, and I didn't say hi and what's more, Didn't Even Feel Like.

Little Victories."


Thursday, May 6

Bright Green Murphy (part something)

Bael gaadhi murphy (translation: bullock cart murphy)
Benarasi ganja murphy
Bhindi gobhi murphy
Boundary-less & guideless murphy
Blue & grumpy murphy
Blood & guts murphy


I slept through most of my birthday. The phone wouldn't stop ringing and all I wanted to do was sleep. My Nokia has this lovely feature where I just have to turn my phone over and it automatically goes on silent, and I can go back to sleep. My twenty fourth birthday passed by faster than any birthday I remember. No alcohol, no constant stream of people and smiles and laughter and no blood loss. No feeling of something significant happening, of some sort of definite moment in time that I should pay close attention to because I'll want to be able to look back on it later. My twenty fourth birthday sort of meant nothing.

While my birthday was peaceful (and we've all agreed, even-numbered ages are so much better than odd numbers) I get the distinct feeling that I've talked myself into all sorts of things that will also mean nothing once inspected more closely. I'm alive, internet. The anaesthesia of constant text and fonts and symbols, all things you can't hold and feel and taste, is frightening. I'm alive, even if it doesn't seem like it. Even if I'm incapable of grief and am bound by a bloodless unfeeling rationale. Tonight I feel the need to remind you that I'm so very very alive.