the fan on my newish macbook pro made a scary sound and altogether stopped today. it restarted, but has left me nervous, like a concerned parent whose kid has just coughed up blood. luckily my child is still within warranty.

i continue to maintain a delicate relationship with the truth. i choose to ignore certain truths about me. i get enraged at the fact that some people insist on lying to me. and they lie, how they lie. everyday, with shamelessly straight faces (fonts?). i tell myself it doesn't matter, everyone doesn't need to share everything, but i'd like to have defined rules which say that some people do.

i just had a three day weekend, a very successful three day weekend. i slept a lot, wasn't irritated once and felt calm throughout. i cleaned and cooked and oiled my hair. did i tell you about my bedroom? one of my walls is a giant window and my view is of the desert with a number of skyscrapers and an artifical / man made bay. it's the strangest kind of beautiful, i never knew i could find a combination of greys, blues and dust pretty.

my mother wants me to buy a four wheel drive. a big, sturdy car that will keep me safe. a) i don't have the money b) i don't want to take a loan and get stuck here paying it off c) i don't know if i can drive a truck. dubai feels like the most unstable city in the world. everyone is here with a very short term plan in mind, it's like the world's one night stand. everyone's cut off from their definition of normal and the mangoes here have no smell. everyone's struggling, the local emirati women take loans every time they leave the country so they can buy designer clothes / bags / shoes / perfumes. there is nothing holding any of us down.

the more time i spend here, the more disconnected i feel. i can't tell if i'm being paranoid or if its my intuition. i have no trust left, i'm just driving around, going to work and learning how to cook.