Today I woke up with the distinct feeling that I’m going to die.
I normally wake up very slowly, and remain sleepy for a while after. I have to get out of bed quickly if I want to make sure I’m getting a move on my day. Today I woke up and it felt like I’d been awake for a while. The thought came to me that today might be the day. My first reaction was that I should walk carefully, particularly on roads. I’m notoriously, sometimes life – threateningly uncoordinated. I immediately texted all the important people something sappy; my mother (who I was fighting with as of yesterday) since for me the parents are a unit, and texting her is like texting both of them; Listo, who I’d been having a semi bummer conversation with last night. My brother was sleeping in the next room, so I asked him about his work. I think he’s questioning whether sticking to doing his own thing is sensible and I want him to know that he can’t possibly quit now after coming so far. And the most important one, who I can’t text, who’s always the wallpaper of my phone and computer.
So yeah, dying. It didn’t make me feel sad or anything. Everything felt very still and muted and irrelevant around me, it still does, and I’m so aware of my beating heart. And even though I’m aware how stupid this post is making me sound, I feel very chilled out. I might die today and who wants to die stressed out or sullen or convinced they’re obese? It’s going to happen eventually and this is the first time I’ve actually thought about it. I’m such a lame cliché, a month after turning 25 I’m dealing with the realization of my own mortality. Interestingly enough it doesn’t make me feel like being a better person or anything. I’m only very aware of what an astounding feat the human body, my body is. Beating heart, moving around, seeing, breathing, alive alive alive, with life being held inside by my toes and fingers.
Internet, we’re all alive. What do we do about it?