Thursday, August 19

My relation to music has changed entirely over the past few years. It’s become some sort of compulsion to not share any of it. I’ve tried multiple variations and techniques but it all ended up as some sort of perverse commodification of the music. So now I’ve finally found the solution that allows me to listen in peace. I’m listening to dance music. That and all the Glee soundtrack volumes. And of course, Leonard. Always Leonard. I don’t really know anyone else who even remotely wants to listen to some of this. And I know it sounds insane and there’s no real logic here, convoluted or otherwise. But I’m finally listening actively again and enjoying it, so I’m not complaining. I’ll eventually get back to the rest of it. I hope, I assume. Or maybe I’ve moved on altogether and become a different person.

I’ve felt surprisingly productive and efficient of late, this happens always as soon as I get back from work, to my hotel room. My usual work trips are characterized by an undefeatable lethargy and loss of sense of self and purpose. I usually spend my time feeling isolated and alone and endlessly introspect on completely unnecessary things. I chain smoke and I feel like I can never get enough. The tips of my fingers taste of ash and nicotine and I’m needlessly bitter. This time around I’m not sure what’s different. The people I’m working with are incompetent and annoying, and completely irrelevant to all calculations. But I feel completely awake and alert by myself. The norm used to be that I’d be up till 2 or 3 in the morning, struggling to balance my routine with the overpowering need to stop doing everything and just sit still and not feel toxic. Now I find that I’ve somehow finished everything by 9 PM and am getting 8 hours of healthy, wholesome sleep. Nothing appears to be too difficult or daunting, and I think I know what the difference is. I think it’s been a while since my mind’s been made up, it’s been a while since I’ve moved on completely.

The weather outside is really nice right now. It’s a little humid sometimes, but there’s a cool breeze blowing and the day is blue without being overcast or bright. I feel clean and I worry about every cigarette I smoke and the residue it keeps leaving behind in me. I want my insides to remain pink and healthy. I’m investing in my future, internet. I’m suddenly interested in my future.

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