One of the reasons why I'm not listening to music right now is because songs like these, songs that in my increasingly unhinged mind are entirely devoid of musical quality but are wholly representations of context, they make it harder for me to focus on the pertinent, things that I have come to know for a fact. These aural misrepresentations only speak to me of urgency and the fervent need to cut yourself open a little, to let your nasty bits hang loose, to loosen your vice like grip on your foolish but all very real notions of mortality.
So today, again, I'm more than just a little insane.
Are we all bound to repeat ourselves? Over and over and over. The same story, with different people playing the part that seems to be set in stone. It's not about the people, or the reaction they induce in my blood. It's not about the fact that how their day went matters to me. It's also not about how certain smells and sensations trigger the most primeval sensation of comfort and security. What really got to me today, was when I realised that I'm playing a part in someone else's pattern. I too am fitting into their required scheme of things, it's really not about me, but just to what extent my behaviour and reactions fit into the part portrayed by many before me. I'm not sure whether I should be comforted in the knowledge that it's not just me who's a slave to some subconscious requirement to live the same scenario over and over, to be the same person in multiple people's lives. It makes me wonder, to what level has some part of me decided my fate, mapped out how the rest of my life will be.
So I'm not listening to music. Because I don't want to forget that you and I are pawns in our own grand scheme of things, not for the sake of a pretty tune.