Bahut nikle mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikle

The whole growing up deal. You start out thinking it implies something. That bits of you will just die. You can't feel things the way you once did, all too easily, all too frequently.
But then. There are these moments, where the universe cuts you down to size in a split second. And all of a sudden it feels like there's an actual tumour in your chest caused by feeling everything a little too intensely. A hardened lump of what you assume (secretly hope) will go away and leave you relatively more dignified and a little more boring, but also significantly more peaceful.
Where you think that shitfuck you might just die from feeling things too intensely.
Being old doesn't get to mean losing the wussiest bits of you I guess.

I'm craving one, just one, perfect conversation. With anyone. It's been too long, Internet. It makes me feel old, like I'm living in a Truman Show with really bad writing.
ATTENTION TRUMAN SHOW TYPE SHOW WRITERS: get your shit together, will you?
Just one lousy perfect conversation is what I'm asking for!

Paean on regret

It bums me out infinitely that every time I turn to this increasingly non bright and shiny blog I have moved further away from my ideal. So today again, I am narrow and the spaces inside are constricted and there is no room for breathing or people.
There will never be room, so let's really not bother.

Like a fat girl misses cake

I miss having time to myself, wallowing in boredom and the delicious pointlessness of idle hours.

Bright and shiny Murphy

Dear Internet.
What's up? I hope things are well and you're enjoying the brilliant Delhi weather. Not that I know for sure whether you're in Delhi, or can even feel things. And actually, I'm not too sure about the weather considering I haven't stepped out of my house in about 4 days! And I also have got a nasty bout of the flu, which could be because of the change in weather? Which I'm presuming is happening outside the walls of my home?
Anyway.
I've had something of a serious breakthrough. I'm not going to get into the details because I'm a private person like that. Highly unlikely to expose my grisly bits to the world. But this breakthrough I speak of, is me letting go of 6 years worth of a highly personal struggle with a stranger. And somehow my self perception got caught up in it and everything became highly personal. And yesterday, internet, yesterday it all came to a head and now I'm all peaceful and zen :) I always suspected but now I know and it makes me feel very yay! :)
I've also made up my mind to henceforth be all bright and shiny and happy (in a hopefully non nauseating way) and to not be as mean and dark and grumpy. It sounds like a fun plan but unfortunately also comes with mindnumbing levels of ADD. Which is a bit of a pain when YOU HAVE REALLY HARD EXAMS TO TAKE IN A WEEKS TIME. Things have reached critical mass and I seem unable to shake out of this ridiculous stupor I'm always in. Which is why I had to take a 90 minute break from not studying at all in the first place to tell you about my new-found peace and bright and shininess.
Okay, yeah. That's about it.
Take care internet :)

I tend to blow off steam here a little too often. Really, I'm not a millionth as angsty as my last post made me seem. Internet, that was just some old fashioned pissedoffedness with no other outlet.
In happy news, I'm home! :) I'm freaking out over my exams. Which I'm taking with all these CA types who've always wanted to be an accountant of some sort. I know that I'm also doing this voluntarily but it really was sort of incidental. I wanted to keep studying and it's a difficult qualification which only the cool kids can manage. So essentially my reasons are:
a) it's difficult and finishing it will make my awesomeness renowned
b) it's some sort of academic thing that will not let me completely become a working drone
The fact that the actual content means very little to me doesn't seem to factor in. I see a rather gaping hole in my awesomeness.
But, the good bit about studying again is that I get to take a much needed break from work. And stay at home, hang out with my babies and take care of the one that needs taking care of. Being at home on a Tuesday afternoon (oh man. That's 3 days worth of studying wasted :|) feels healthy :)
I'm slightly incoherent and all over the place at the moment. I think I haven't got used to thinking and functioning at a regular speed yet.
I need to study. Take care, internet :)