I saw a dog with an exposed brain today. The world is strangely tranquil. I used to live in fear that I'll get used to losing children. It's come true. I'm sort of prepared for it, one by one. Except Binky. I don't know what that would mean. But I suppose if I can lose Pere, I can deal with anything.
I don't want to think about this anymore.
It's pointless feeling guilty and helpless. I haven't learned how to internalise this platitude. It makes all seem trivial. I'm trying really hard to focus. I'm trying really hard to figure out what's important. I can't seem to tell anymore.
I used to want to get away from all sorts of things. Now all I want to do is embrace my responsibilities. If you can't figure out what it is you want, doesn't it make sense to live with some sense of purpose? My purpose could be to take care of those I'm supposed to care for.
I fear at times that the world makes too many demands on me. I don't remember what it feels like to feel young. Or to have time to draw. I wouldn't know what to draw. There was a time it came without hesitation, like vocalisation. Now it would frustrate me with its unrelenting refusal. I feel dried up.

I'm trapped in a sea of new faces. There are constant sirens wailing and beautiful breezes. Cheap cigarettes and endless fruit platters.
I'm going to swim for it motherfuckers.

I haven't written yet, while being in Indonesia.
Hey.

I hope to be the kind of person who lives without ever seeming to let life touch her. I hope to live and let life just sort of happen around me and not affect me and my being. I'm very interested in the idea of being, in the face of future loves and sounds.

This is what the internet is all about. Uber cute otters napping while holding hands.
That and porn and TradeMe for zipper procurement of course.

I would like to pretend that work is all consuming and that it eats into my me-time. Which it does to an extent. But my world is shifting, my rock is leaving. The shift is irrevocable in nature. I'm not sure how to react. I'm going to be devastated, I'm going to miss him. It's like losing your collective memories of eating Gems. Which makes no sense to you, but I guess I can't explain.
My entire family, it's like we're holding in our breath, bracing for the punch. We're not sure what it will be like, we're happy and optimistic and we're proud. Everything is bittersweet :)
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I wish to lay my soul bare. Suggestions will be appreciated. I'm grateful yo :)

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