Tuesday, September 15

Touch and go

The mechanism that pumps the black sludge that flows through my veins feels heavy and full today. I, uncharacteristically, went out on a limb and ended up in an altogether alien place. Everything on this island moves slowly. The people, the animals on the streets. It seems like a place change doesn’t really visit. You can tell by the slow precise way even the weather moves, in the exact same way it did the day before and the day before that. I spent yesterday evening sitting cross legged on my bed, dropping matches repeatedly. It feels like I’ve been here too long, almost an entire lifetime. I’ve spent days and weeks being someone else, unraveling and being consumed. Struggling with my inertia, trapped within my own flesh. Everything seems better and sounds better with a nice voice. You don’t mind being a different person, doing things you know you’ll have a problem with when you look back objectively, as long as it’s done for a nice voice. Of late whenever a friend has had a birthday I’ve told them all that this is the year of happiness for you. I can feel it in my bones. This is the year where nothing will matter, where nothing will be able to touch you. You will be all the things you wanted and you will find happiness over and above the definitions of what you thought you wanted to be. And I’ve meant it every time.
Now, internet, now I’m just tired. I think I’m done going out on limbs and trying to be different. Today I woke up feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. Today I woke up with a familiar distance and constriction inside and it’s both a total bummer and a relief. Sri Lanka was very touch and go. Things came very close to coming to a head but now it’s pretty much time to go home. Pity I didn’t get a chance to wear my hari mirch green windcheater.
Today this very annoying man at work, had a fifteen minute conversation with his clients where he only said ‘Hello’ at the beginning and ‘right’ every thirty seconds. Was it very rude of me, internet, to break out into an uncontrollable fit of giggles?

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