Friday, September 4

I was the person who held a piece of green jade tightly in my palm and focused till I felt it burn. I still carry it around with me everywhere and it’s something I haven’t thought about till today. I was under the impression I don’t really believe in symbols, I don’t set store by talismans. It’s who I am. It took one horrible, unforeseeable event for me to realize that I had a lot riding on an event that was never meant to be a big deal. A month, a blip on the radar of the bigger picture. One horrible event for me to realize that too much is simply happening around me and that at an unconscious level I have as much regard for my rules and policies as the people of Delhi do for the environment. Today I feel tremendously foolish. As of yesterday I was a confused person who didn’t really know what I wanted of life or what to do with it. Today, somehow, I don’t know myself even more, if that’s possible. It’s as if only on stumbling have I realized that I’ve been falling for a while.
I feel too old to chide myself. Too weary to set about making a firm resolution to remedy this situation. All I want to do is lift my hands in defeat and not have to bother about any of this. But today has buttfucked my happy inertia to a point where I feel like I can’t allow myself to ignore this. I am too old to go along for the ride and worry about consequences later when evidence of this nature presents itself. But mostly I just want to be happy and stop worrying and whinging so much. I don’t know what to do, internet. I don’t know who to be. I don’t set store by symbols but the minute my symbol begins to reveal its cracks all I do is buy a small mountain of chocolate and drink.

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