An ugly dude is hoping to get laid. I'm going to get my hair cut (yay!), study, listen to music and stay in my room indefinitely. I've made up my mind to go for a four day weekend to help cope with my new-found incoherence. My house is currently being torn down and built right back up right around my ears and everyone is irritable. Bunny's coming back tomorrow for about 10 days and my heart is overflowing with happiness. It's been far too long and I desperately need the comfort of something familiar and it doesn't get any more familiar than her.
Fuck familiarity. I'm also all for moving to a new country and starting from scratch. Blog, give me the strength and fortitude to be me and to re-learn how to spend time by myself again.
And to not be incoherent. Most importantly, to not be incoherent, to be able to think in a modular fashion again.
And to not be in that part of my life where the results of systematic years of abuse start announcing themselves very rudely. You know you're old when your friends aren't as invincible as you were anymore :(
Did I mention I'm happy? I think I feel a little like myself again and I'm hoping it remains this way at least for a bit. I've been incapable of doing certain things wholly since I was a teenager. Of feeling things completely, of being in a place entirely. Of accepting people and not just thinking of them subconsciously as transient entertainment. I think the first time around itself I completely overdid it and blew all the fuses in one go. Inshallah, I'll be able to re-learn some of these things or acknowledge that I can't and not go about pretending. But I think I'm a little excited about trying. This can only end in tears!
People who I'm going to be letting go off, I send you love. There are some things I can not do anymore, at least not for now. I don't have the energy for carrying around this kind of baggage indefinitely. I'm switching to modular thinking and being zen and if any of you have any solutions, I think you're my hero and let me hear them :)
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