I'm getting more confused with time. I am hoping that existential crises will not become a regular feature of afternoons at work (hey, did I mention I'm back at work!) and that the future will stop looking all blank and white and VAGUE.
I had this dream where I had a child of no gender. It had a gender I'm sure but it's identity was that it was 'my child.' And it wasn't annoying or weird and didn't paw my stuff. It was a little funny looking, sure, admittedly, but it was more like a sidekick who laughed at all my witticisms and rode with me and we kicked ass together.
I feel very very tired by the end of the day, like I've completely run out of battery. One of these mornings my parents will wake up and find me on the couch, hoping someone would carry me to bed.
And I want a life partner this week. I want to go camping with someone and I want my bed made every night for me and I want to steal someone's shirts and perfumes/colognes because I'm bored of all my stuff. And I want someone to roll me joints and simultaneously not be an asshole about how when I do it it's just clumsy. I want perfectly rolled joints lying all over my house!
I want hot cinnamon buns for breakfast and I want my newspapers laid out in the order I like to read them. (Hindustan Times, ET, Indian Express, Express Newsline (the IE supplement) and lastly HT City (the HT supplement))
I want to stop being afraid of driving! I'm not afraid. Just not fond of it, because I'm super paranoid I'll kill someone or bump into a car or worse, hurt an animal. But none of this translates into me being a super cautious driver, no, when I drive I have blind spots all over. Like the side lane turning into the main road? I can't see you if you're waiting to turn into where I already am!
I want to be naturally neat, dude. You neat fuckers have no idea how hard it is for us. Every day stuff just sort of piles up around you. And you have to make a conscious effort eventually to fix things. And even then you can't make it all perfect, it just seems less messy than before and that is something I have learned to settle for.
And I want to say 'we'll be in real barney then' and have people realise how cool and lame I am and also understand what I am saying.
And I want to know what I want to do with my life. That, most of all. I don't want to just go ahead and do something for the heck of it. It's like I have such specific concepts of what I think my life will be like, or what I want it to be like. I don't even begin to factor in how deluded I am. What if (touch-wood!) I get handicapped or paralysed or something? There are so many options out there that I can't even begin to foresee. So how can I make decisions about what I should do when I have no idea? How many experiences am I losing out on without even being aware of it?
La la la la la la la la la la! :D