Shucksy in the sky with tayeesness

My beautiful Cactus Jack has turned 23.
Universe, go wish her all the happiness and love in the world!

Shagun,



Infinite undying Love,
Murphy

About thirty minutes after the last post I ended up updating my facebook status to 'BGM finds happiness easy :)' With a smile in the end and everything. (I think of all the people I know personally, 4 people know about this blog. Which is very intentional, allows me to be completely, over-the-top, shame-on-you-narcissist indulgent and hopefully honest)
Getting back to the point, my status message is true. The childish angst lasted for just thirty odd minutes and I got over it. I'm praying this means that I'm over it. That it's done and I've moved on to indifference and that it will slowly seep into the recesses of my mind and remain permanently lodged behind memories of the trauma that was 'mental maths' classes in the first standard.
Going through this puraani list helped:
- stop looking for yourself in things
- wear more lip colour, especially when home alone in your sweats, because otherwise it'll just rot in heaps around you
- be shamelessly self indulgent
- don't be embarrassed about your excitement
- be embarrassed about your lack of humility
- TRY to not covet
- in fact, you really probably don't even want it
- don't say no out of habit, try the things that make you uncomfortable
- when it starts building up around you and begins to get to you, when you feel that swoop in your stomach, laugh. Just laugh it off.
- be obscene if you feel obscene. Don't overthink obscenity.
- let it be
- let it go
- everything isn't happening because of you or for you. Stop being the protagonist of everything.
- try and become someone who your cats aren't embarrassed to know

I should be grateful that I still have it in me to feel an angst so extreme that it can only be described as cheesy and disdainful. That just means there is hope yet. I actually have another place reserved just for moments like this, which are strictly meant to be hidden, so that at least in my head I can con myself into thinking I come off all breezy and cheerful and full of not-giving-a-fuck. But I'm not really into hiding the gremlin that I am anymore.
A pox. On all the fresh-faced beautiful girls with perfect messy curls out there, who're all light and breezy and don't give a fuck.

Everyone who is busy and in the need of love, I send you HUGS.
If someone could get me some dhokla, that would be kickass and most fervently appreciated.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Jerome K Jerome

After a lifetime of being anal about exams and marks, I seem to finally have lost that vice like grip on needing to do well. I can't study. I try, but I can't sit at it for hours the way I used to. It's very unsettling, it makes me feel like a different person. I have never been indifferent towards exams, I keep telling myself it's because I loathe the subject matter, that I think it's not worth studying, that my life is not going to have anything to do with bleeding cost accounting (yeah!) and this is not who I am. But, internet, it's an exam. Where I'll be judged and marked and told how much of my time I didn't waste and how effective or ineffective my ability to grasp these concepts is. The content doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter.
Nowadays I spend my day being comfortable. I sleep about 10 hours a day, which I'm working on reducing to 7. I miss my friends, some of my closest friends, who I can't seem to talk to the way I used to. Saying out loud that I don't like what we're becoming, I don't like this distance creeping up between us, I don't like how your email with only 4 words is so cold and indifferent, will it translate into an automatic pass back to us? But I'm comfortable with it. Nothing fazes me anymore. My house is constantly freezing because we've turned the coolers on, and Delhi outside is like a giant ball of fire. I go for walks in the morning at 6, to smoke cigarettes and be around for the best part of the day. Milkmen and newspaperwaalas and schoolkids and car cleaners and the doggies, and the funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that I only get early in the morning, that says are you going to let another day pass?
I'm being incoherent.
I read something brilliant on a blog recently. Out of sight = out of mind. Out of phonebook = out of memory.
I'm being incoherent again. I've realised that I have a blank face. This isn't meant to be self-deprecating, it's just something I've realised after looking at old photos. My features are vanishing. As I age, my face is becoming more nondescript. I could rob a bank or murder the president and no one would be able to find me because they couldn't describe my face (assuming I get away to begin with, which might not happen considering I'm acceleration challenged). It's a khaali face and I can get surgery or crayons or make-up and make it into whatever I want.
I'm going to go now internet, but I must also remind you not to let things go unsaid, loves go unloved and don't let things reach a point where you don't know what to say to your friend to make them realise it's still the same you even though he / she might be having serious trouble recognise you. That shit piles up under your skin and festers like tumours.

MILTFBID addendum

Can't believe I forgot him. I felt terrible about this all night long after posting. So yeah, here I am righting a huge wrong.

It's dangerous to have people in your life who more often than not make you feel angry and competitive and who make your head spin. Who you have to prove a point to, just because you can't let them win. Just to never ever have to see that infuriating smug look on their faces that makes you want to only humiliate them. Because we all know humiliation is the best treatment for the vain, smug, getting under your skin motherfuckers.
This is the sickest shit I've been involved in, ever.