I despair.
At 4:30 this morning there is an abyss in me. I am delicately set nerves and useless flesh and sadness, all being held together by the gravitational pull of the gaping pit where the bottom of my stomach used to be.
I figured I might as well let my ipod charge while I wait for this hollowness in my gut to go away. So I can get back to bed and continue listening to father figure. I have 'less than 10% battery remaining.' There's a kitten on my bed trying to chew through the wooden leg of my laptop table. Working away sincerely at trying to make a dent with his brand new little person teeth on this block of wood. And I feel clinically detached. I don't want to be there, I'm going to try and work on being here.

Neti neti

Love is that to me you're the knife I turn inside myself. Neti neti.

Anais Nin on what it is to be a woman - "I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

There's so much to be done, internet. So much to be done.

Steel

Internet I have two kittens sleeping in my room. When faced with a massive amount of cuteness, it sort of loses meaning. There's only so much of pink noses and pink paw-pads and chewing on one's paws and falling over the brain can process and still keep going awwww over. So yeah, done. No more.

Today was the day of good intentions that came to nothing. I've sort of got in this rut where I spend my nights completely caught up in feeling dissatisfied, poring over really ugly aspects of an associated past, being bored, being irritated, and feeling cowardly for not saying anything about things I don't like and feeling inept. I am one of those women now, the kinds who sit around waiting for things to happen. Hurray. Is this part of what I wanted, when I kept whining about wanting to be like the younger me, more open to letting things affect me? Dudes, how much do I whine? It's only to you, or so I fervently hope. Worse, I don't know how to shut it off and be productive. Tomorrow is the day of even better intentions! Maybe I'll finally quit this bitch and imma kick yo ass.

It's like waiting for your eyes to adjust to the dark. Waiting to find out if I'm going to have the courage to know what I need to do. Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one's courage. At some point you will be able to see and you will have no choice but to realise whether or not anyone is listening to you.

'Human beings can reach such desperate solitude that they may cross a boundary beyond which words cannot serve, and at such moments there is nothing left for them but to bark'

Crumbling is not an instant's Act
A fundamental pause
Dilapidation's processes
Are organized Decays.

'Tis first a Cobweb on the Soul
A Cuticle of Dust
A Borer in the Axis
An Elemental Rust --

Ruin is formal -- Devil's work
Consecutive and slow --
Fail in an instant, no man did
Slipping -- is Crash's law.

Where Murphy is lonely and in awe at the zen of the internet

So today I read online 'There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.'

:O

Bright green murphy II

BGM also is:
Badhi gharelu murphy
Benign goat murphy
Behan ki gaand murphy
Bones & gristle murphy
Beaming grandmother murphy
Borderline grouch murphy
Bored & glutted murphy
Broken & grounded murphy