'In a way, this is why they execute killers. Because once you've crossed some lines, you just keep crossing them.'
Also, my newest favourite way to waste HOURS - FML
Tuesday, April 7
Murphy is on leave and going a little crazy
The trip was fantastic. It was more than everything I hoped it would be. I went with the hope of spending time with myself, figuring things out. I ended up hanging out with an annoying but also strangely attractive little twit of a guy, a completely gorgeous, man-of-honour man-child who I have a tremendous middle-school crush on and a completely in love couple. So it wasn’t like how I’d planned it, in terms of me hanging out mostly by myself on a hill side with my reds and my hip-flask. I handed my cell-phone over to the couple, with strict instructions not to give it to me till we were back in Delhi. I was ready to clear my mind and prioritise.
Instead the weekend involved heavy drinking, truck rides, school bus rides, hanging out at this very fantastic, very posh army officers’ club (we were staying at this fauji place because the couple dude is the son of a major general in the Indian army), being hit on by both the dudes mentioned above in very different ways, not reading at all, hardly sleeping, thunderous rain storms, sixty degree hikes which made me realize how non-existent my stamina is, shouting at Khushwant Singh’s house for some strange reason, very highly subsidized alcohol, freezing our asses off, sitting on benches at the edges of cliffs, playing hours of bejeweled on the annoying twit’s phone with his assistance, the four of us curled up under quilts, huddling for warmth and so on and so forth.
I didn’t get to think about my life in Delhi but I did end up doing some generic, non-location specific thinking. I’m not sure how to coherently express this without sounding trite and incredibly inane. Which I know I will but bear with me because I’m on leave and bored and going a little insane being cooped up.
My recent and abject break up with romance and feelings or believing in the requirement for the same has become a sort of homing beacon for guys who’re tired of their relationships, guys who have just got out of five year long relationships and are consequently seriously damaged goods, guys who are rude assholes and also your friend who are into years of skullfuckery as a part of some perverse masochistic experiment. They all can sense that they can come and try and hold my hand (?!?) and say ‘it’s cool, my girlfriend knows and we’re going to fight about this tomorrow’, give me the ‘you’re so different from the women I know’ spiel, hang out with me, hit on me, force me to be horrible to them and actually like it and go into an infinite repeat cycle. They all feel free to do this and know that I won’t care or protest because I don’t care or protest. I have switched off and fallen off the radar. I am only capable of passive participation and observation and I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care and I’m just waiting for them all to go away.
I have learned that I am incapable of spending a lot of time by myself anymore and I gladly welcome any form of company. I am only interested in the transient because allocating more than a bare minimum amount of mind-space to anything is not an option. I am incapable of honesty. I am biding my time, till 3rd July 2010, till I can finally quit my job and go off traveling. Kasauli was incredible and satisfying and nourishing and gives me the energy to continue not giving a shit :) I am still in the process of learning how not to feel the swoop in my stomach at certain instances and how to shut my mind to the trivialities of this world and do some serious rising above.
Instead the weekend involved heavy drinking, truck rides, school bus rides, hanging out at this very fantastic, very posh army officers’ club (we were staying at this fauji place because the couple dude is the son of a major general in the Indian army), being hit on by both the dudes mentioned above in very different ways, not reading at all, hardly sleeping, thunderous rain storms, sixty degree hikes which made me realize how non-existent my stamina is, shouting at Khushwant Singh’s house for some strange reason, very highly subsidized alcohol, freezing our asses off, sitting on benches at the edges of cliffs, playing hours of bejeweled on the annoying twit’s phone with his assistance, the four of us curled up under quilts, huddling for warmth and so on and so forth.
I didn’t get to think about my life in Delhi but I did end up doing some generic, non-location specific thinking. I’m not sure how to coherently express this without sounding trite and incredibly inane. Which I know I will but bear with me because I’m on leave and bored and going a little insane being cooped up.
My recent and abject break up with romance and feelings or believing in the requirement for the same has become a sort of homing beacon for guys who’re tired of their relationships, guys who have just got out of five year long relationships and are consequently seriously damaged goods, guys who are rude assholes and also your friend who are into years of skullfuckery as a part of some perverse masochistic experiment. They all can sense that they can come and try and hold my hand (?!?) and say ‘it’s cool, my girlfriend knows and we’re going to fight about this tomorrow’, give me the ‘you’re so different from the women I know’ spiel, hang out with me, hit on me, force me to be horrible to them and actually like it and go into an infinite repeat cycle. They all feel free to do this and know that I won’t care or protest because I don’t care or protest. I have switched off and fallen off the radar. I am only capable of passive participation and observation and I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care and I’m just waiting for them all to go away.
I have learned that I am incapable of spending a lot of time by myself anymore and I gladly welcome any form of company. I am only interested in the transient because allocating more than a bare minimum amount of mind-space to anything is not an option. I am incapable of honesty. I am biding my time, till 3rd July 2010, till I can finally quit my job and go off traveling. Kasauli was incredible and satisfying and nourishing and gives me the energy to continue not giving a shit :) I am still in the process of learning how not to feel the swoop in my stomach at certain instances and how to shut my mind to the trivialities of this world and do some serious rising above.
Friday, April 3
Love for sale
Ask for Murphy's incredible, never-before, chutiyaness inducing discounts.
Bukowski is a wise and much loved gentleman:
'... don't wait for the good woman. She doesn't exist. There are women who can make you feel more with their bodies and their souls but these are the exact women who will turn the knife into you right in front of the crowd. Of course, I expect this, but the knife still cuts. The female loves to play man against man, and if she is in a position to do it there is not one who will not resist. The male, for all his bravado and exploration, is the loyal one, the one who generally feels love. The female is skilled at betrayal. and torture and damnation. Never envy a man his lady. Behind it all lays a living hell.'
Wednesday, April 1
We can call this the meh point
* I'm finally escaping Delhi for non-work related reasons. I have books and smokes and my hip-flask ready. Now if only my list of traveling companions and the consequent living arrangements would stop being so flexible.
* I am not studying but I'm also not working (despite bastardly attempts at guilting me into coming in to work DURING my study leave). This is a perverse yet comfortable equilibrium. For now.
* I am free of all domestic responsibilities again and I think it's worth giving up the solitude. My home was beginning to look a little broken down and loose on the edges. The fridge was full of half empty thai food containers and food for the felines. Now things are clean and the house looks miraculously cozy and there is real khaana and I don't have to wake up at 6 to have the fucking place cleaned. There are no more random late night visits which end at dawn with severe fuckwittage and hangovers and no more drinking black label in my ma's crystal. It's even worth not being able to smoke in bed anymore.
* I have two new babies :) I need suggestions for names. Their eyes have finally opened yesterday and their mum is still purring :) 10 points for desi names. 10 for names in pairs (e.g. peanut and butter (lame, yes yes I know) or glasnost and perestroika). 15 points for desi names in pairs (e.g. lassan and adrak (already done) or insaaf and tarazu)
* I have reached the most comfortable point in the normal trajectory of the cyclical moods, i.e. complete and abject apathy. Bitches with their moods and feelings and stories have shoved me into this brilliant dark corner from where hopefully I will never emerge. My very bald, bi, male best friend is my new hero and I aspire to be as much of an unfeeling bastard as him :)
I'd love to stay and babble some more but I need to go get waxed now.
Peace, internet.
Monday, March 2
March '09
2009 is a tricky one, yeah? Did anyone notice how MARCH snuck up on us? I swear to god it feels like new year's eve was a couple of weeks back.
But the best part of this warp speed year is:
- my ma will be back in four tiny weeks! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! :D
- I might get to see my brother sometime soon? yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! :D
- my exams in May will be over before I know it (with studying happening miraculously on its own)
- my exams in July / August will be over before I know it
- my exams in November will be over before I know it
- my applications will be miraculously done
- I will be that much closer to completing my three years of being a corporate no-balls schmuck and on my way to vegetating and getting a tan and wearing slutty clothes only.
The suckfest bit of warp speed:
- I will be 23 :( :( :( What an ugly number, no? Twenty three. Tayees :(
- I might fail some more papers? :( :( :( :( :( :( :( No no. No no. No failing papers. Aging I can deal with. Failure, not so much. :( :( :(
As you can see 2009 promises to be a year of much cheer and joy.
Dudes. Come meet Murphy and make '09 a good year. And buy me Fabindia jewelery please :)
But the best part of this warp speed year is:
- my ma will be back in four tiny weeks! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! :D
- I might get to see my brother sometime soon? yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! :D
- my exams in May will be over before I know it (with studying happening miraculously on its own)
- my exams in July / August will be over before I know it
- my exams in November will be over before I know it
- my applications will be miraculously done
- I will be that much closer to completing my three years of being a corporate no-balls schmuck and on my way to vegetating and getting a tan and wearing slutty clothes only.
The suckfest bit of warp speed:
- I will be 23 :( :( :( What an ugly number, no? Twenty three. Tayees :(
- I might fail some more papers? :( :( :( :( :( :( :( No no. No no. No failing papers. Aging I can deal with. Failure, not so much. :( :( :(
As you can see 2009 promises to be a year of much cheer and joy.
Dudes. Come meet Murphy and make '09 a good year. And buy me Fabindia jewelery please :)
Wednesday, February 11
Yet again, I'm supposed to be working, but amn't (thanks Po!). I've washed my hair, I've spent hours doing literally nothing, looking at random photographs of people I haven't thought of in ages, hung out with Bambi who is really not helping by reiterating how I'm wasting my life and yawning his rat encrusted halitosis breath all over me, etc. etc.
So after this post, I get down to work. A totally old school session of burning the midnight oil.
But first, dude, I want to clarify that this slow and deliberate fuckwittage might be considered a form of foreplay in some cultures, but in mine it just means A WHOLE DAY WASTED AND NO WORK DONE.
People, we're all adults. When do we start saying what we want to?
I conceptually understand that one does not become free-spirited by just wanting to not be a wreath of night-shade, but I can't help but think that certain people are plotting against me achieving the awesome peacefulness and happiness and hippieness that I can! The thought is tantalising and I'm just waiting for the opportunity to make my break for it.
So after this post, I get down to work. A totally old school session of burning the midnight oil.
But first, dude, I want to clarify that this slow and deliberate fuckwittage might be considered a form of foreplay in some cultures, but in mine it just means A WHOLE DAY WASTED AND NO WORK DONE.
People, we're all adults. When do we start saying what we want to?
I conceptually understand that one does not become free-spirited by just wanting to not be a wreath of night-shade, but I can't help but think that certain people are plotting against me achieving the awesome peacefulness and happiness and hippieness that I can! The thought is tantalising and I'm just waiting for the opportunity to make my break for it.
Monday, February 9
Robustly sane Murphy
What's up, internet? Things are good with me, thanks for asking. Lots of work, been making an ass out of myself fairly regularly, being bullied around by the resident felines. Same old.
It's the time of the year Murphy took stock of the old hat rack. Validated the ol' conclusions and revisited the ol' notions. Unfortunately, the results are pretty damning.
So the big plan is to just somehow get through this crapola arrangement of the stars and:
- not make an ass of myself
- eat more ice-cream
- read more
- work less
- oil hair thrice a week
- study for exams (sigh)
- listen to my cats and not let their disdain push me down the spiral of shame and self loathing
- say what I want to, when I want to
- not kick my nauseatingly happy friends in the teeth
- stay away from the trifecta of control issues, alcohol and men
- gain perspective on how to live life from the resident felines
- not be so bored
- spend more wela time on the internet
- cycle!
- learn krav-magah and kick people's asses for annoying me
- eat more south-indian food
- not watch depressing movies that make you think about your life
- organise earring collection
- find new music to listen to
This post is stupid and I have work to do. Clearly, this is not helping. But I think I'm going to blog more. Being whiny more consistently online. I have truly hit rock-bottom.
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